I’ve been a bit absent, mainly because I had another endometriosis clean out which resulted in a couple of post-op issues. One of them, somewhat ironically given the tale I am about to tell you, was the large bruise I grew on my tummy. The problem with the excess skin I have hanging on my tummy is that, well, it’s heavy. The weight of it resulted in a pooling of blood that created a bruise that resembled the poo emoji.
Right there, the poo emoji.
A week later, the bruising is starting to subside.
However, I wasn’t enjoying being sat on my bottom. I needed to return to some form of normal. So this week, I returned to the gym. No weights, nothing strenuous, just some walking on the treadmill. Restarting normal routines and that kind of thing. It went fine on Monday.
On Wednesday, on the way to the gym, my tummy was feeling a bit sore and crampy. I didn’t say anything in case it resulted in beloved turning the car around, but I should have spoken up, I should have I should have I should have.
But alas, I did not.
I got on my treadmill and after 10 minutes, I realised that the cramping was a signal that there was an issue that needed to be dealt with. I told beloved I’d be back in a tick. I left my phone and everything on the treadmill, and wandered across the gym to the bathrooms. And as I walked in, I was thinking about other things, more important things, more essential things, instead of checking to make sure that the stall I was about to plonk myself down in had toilet paper.
And it did not.
I will spare you the details of my bathroom activities, but the lack of toilet paper presented a significant and serious issue.
I was perched upon a porcelain throne. I was surrounded by silence. My thoughts were racing through my head. What do I do?
I poked at the toilet paper dispenser, praying for a square or a scrap or a whisper of hope.
I should have brought my phone and I should have said something when my tummy was sore in the car, I should have I should have I should have.
But I did not.
I considered my options.
They were not particularly generous.
I needed to keep my tights on, for the sake of decency. Same with my shirt. And the two bras. I considered my remaining options.
While things were already quite dire, I felt it would be indecent to use my undies as toilet paper. What if I decided to do squats and my tights were not squat proof?
This left me with two options.
Left sock, or right sock.
I wear Bonds socks. They come up high enough to prevent blisters, they have a soft sole, and when I mop the floors I can leave BONDS prints all over the floor.
In around 1985, there was an ad on TV for Bonds. It went like this:
As I sat there on the loo, left with a terrible decision to make, I found myself humming the ad. I sighed, resigned to the reality I was faced with. And slowly, I removed my right sock.
When I left the bathroom, I must have had guilt and shame written all over my face. As I walked out, I bumped into a friend who asked me what I was doing. I told her I’d gone to the loo, and mentioned that there was no toilet paper.
She asked me how I had gotten myself out of that particular pickle.
Again, I signed. And I looked down at my feet, sadly. Left foot snug in a Bonds sock. Right foot, naked inside my shoe.
She laughed and told me I had to blog about this.
And so I have.
Have you ever had this happen to you? What would you have done in my situation?