Yesterday and Today

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Today, I woke up early. It was cold. It still is cold.

Swung my feet out of bed and was surprised that they didn’t shatter like glass when they hit the ground, it was so cold.

Pulled on some clothes. Tied up my laces. And went outside for a walk.

 

Yesterday, I woke up slowly.

I woke up and felt defeated before the day had even begun. I had a doctor appointment to get some results, and I was terrified I’d have to get on the scales.

The thing is, despite continuing to train and eat properly, last time I weighed in I had gained weight. Just a couple of kilograms. But a gain. This sparked off a series of blood tests (and a 24 hour wee test, which I spilled on the bathroom floor prior to discovering my coffee machine was dead – but that’s another story), and the mention, the suggestion that it might be time to explore other ways to continue my weight loss.

I’ve been doing this for 11 months.

Working my arse off. Investing time and money and choices and decisions into every single step along the path to make myself fit and strong and healthy. And my proudest thing along the ride has been that I have done this with no short cuts, no fad diets, nothing that isn’t wholly and solely down to choice. So to even consider, for a moment, that I might have achieved all that I can this way – devastating. To hear the gentle suggestion that it might be time to consider medications or even surgery? Destroying.

For a week, I’ve sunk to the depths of defeat. I’ve worked my arse off, and it’s not good enough. I can’t do this my way.

Then yesterday, I went to get the results of these tests.

Overall, they were testament to the work I have done. Sugars are normal. Cholesterol, well lowered. There was one element that had improved but is still an issue – but it had improved.

But all I could think was, “I am getting nowhere, I’ve failed”.

You see, the issue for me is that I want to look like I’m having that ongoing success. I know it isn’t just about the scales – but the reality is, I want that damn number to go down. Because let’s face it. We judge people based on their appearances. My beautiful beloved told me to not make it about the scales, and to remember the health benefits. I growled back at her that she could only say that when she had to haul my ten tonnes of fat around with her. Look, I was really not in a good place at the time.

I tried to get to the gym, but couldn’t get out of the car. Sobbed and sobbed. My legend trainer messaged me to find out where I was, I tried to explain what had happened but just kept saying “I can’t do it” over and over again and I was starting to believe it. Finally got myself into the gym and she mopped up my tears and told me to get on the bike.

That night, I had a think.

And I remembered.

I remembered this:

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And this:

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And this:

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And I remembered the fun runs. The kilometres walked. The hours lifting weights. The fact that I don’t have to even hesitate when I look at a new physical challenge. That my driver’s seat in the car has to be forward now so I can reach. That I have lap for friendly dogs to sit on. That I’ve been able to ditch medications and reduce doses. That my lung capacity is enormous. That I am fitter and stronger than I have been ever before. That I don’t have to look for the absolute biggest sizes in shops now.

And I remembered my beloved. And my friends. And my family.

Which is why I did this in the first place.

And so, today, I woke up early. It was cold. It still is cold.

Swung my feet out of bed and was surprised that they didn’t shatter like glass when they hit the ground, it was so cold.

Pulled on some clothes. Tied up my laces. And went outside for a walk.

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9 responses »

  1. You’re doing amazingly Kel.
    So incredibly impressed with your dedication and commitment.
    As you know I’ve lost 123kgs but recently my weight can go up and down by up to six kilos a day! That’s right, a day!
    I’m terrified that it will all come back on and the days when I’m just too ill for physical activity terrify me also.
    I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone in your fear and frustration.
    I’d love to ditch at least another 20kgs however, at the moment it feels impossible.
    You’re an incredible inspiration. Keep taking one day at a time and I agree with Beloved, scales are no indicator of your hard work and commitment, the way your clothing starts to hang and fall and your health certainly is x

    Like

  2. That damn number. We give it way more airtime in our heads than it deserves don’t we. You have been working so so hard and those photos show it so so much. You are doing a marvellous job and giving yourself a healthy future. Keep that shit up xxx

    Like

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