Waxing and waning


I’m getting waxed tomorrow. Just my legs. This is nothing out of the ordinary for me, I do it fairly regularly. What is out of the ordinary is where I am having it done. 

You will have heard about my friend, whom I refer to as The Bear. So, The Bear has been studying beauty therapy this year, and is totally killing it. I’m so proud of her. And I am *so* impressed by how well she is doing that I am DONATING MY LEGS to her further training. Yep, I’ll be rocking up to the TAFE tomorrow with my hairy pelts, ready and waiting for her to seek revenge do her thing. 

I’ve known The Bear for ages now. And while this totally is isn’t a post to convince her to do a gentle and thorough job, I feel it is only fair to warn her of what might occur. 

You see, I’ve been a guinea pig in the past. 

Another dear friend was studying massage. She needed test dummies, and being quite adept at lying still while someone massages me, I popped my hand up. All went well until I was face up on the massage table, and she was doing something over my face. My friend had created a really zen and peaceful space in the room, and to be honest I did feel a pang of something similar to regret when the plan hatched in my brain. 

I waited until I felt her leaning over my face. I could almost hear the concentration, and the inward giggles almost resulted in a wet massage table. Just when I wouldn’t hold back my laughter any longer, I opened my eyes as wide as I could and shrieked BOO! at the top of my lungs. 

Yep, think Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black: 

Sorry about that, Erky. Your massage was awesome, by the way. 

Here is a list of things I have considered doing tomorrow during my leg wax: 

1. Crying. 

2. Naming my leg hairs, and bidding them each farewell as they leave my leg. 

3. Asking The Bear to leave “just that one there”. 

4. Farting. 

5. Farting loudly

6. Farting loudly and blaming The Bear. 

7. Asking The Bear what she does in the woods. 

8. Asking why I wasn’t allowed to wear undies. 

9. Then asking why I had to bring undies (and waving a very large pair of full briefs around the room). 

10. Stripping off in preparation for a Brazilian. 

So, my dear Bear, I feel I have done the right thing by getting all these ideas out of my system before I come for my leg wax tomorrow. I’m hoping that by saying them in a public forum, my inclination towards this kind of mayhem may be slightly reduced, come pluck time. 

And if not? 

You’ve been warned. 


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