But then tits

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A mate of mine uploaded a video of her lanky lad doing the Worm at his school disco. A friend of hers commented that she used to do the worm, and would do it again, “But then tits”. BEST LINE EVER. It made me think about things that the girls stop me doing. So here we have the definitive list of things I would do… but then tits. 

But first, a disclaimer. I have an abundant of both tit, and respect for women. This post is written based on my own experience, and the experience of two beautiful girls that offered me their input. So may your farm be calm as I present to you my “But Then Tits” list. 

1. Lying on your back gracefully. Picture it: You recline, perhaps to get a massage or your legs waxed. All is well until gravity makes itself known. Mature, poised relaxing – but then tits! The girls are taking a detour out the sides, or in the more endowed cases, trying to ensure you keep your mouth firmly SHUT. 

2. Jumping on a trampoline. What goes up, must come down. You might be about to rock out your aerial somersault – but then tits!

3. Handstands. A less common skill, yet the second you’ve flipped over and stretched your legs towards the sky – but then tits! Suddenly a curtain falls across your face and you’re struggling for breath. Your mighty cleavage is preventing you from seeing but you know, deep down inside, that whatever it is isn’t good. 

4. Lying flat on your tummy. Now, this might seem incorrect. But breasts, in this instance, are a double-edged sword. Everything is comfortable – but then tits! You are suddenly feeling decidedly… squished. But the positive? A perfect prop for the chin while reading or playing candy crush. 

5. Eat lasagne with dignity. Yum, yum, yum… But then tits! 

Image 6. This may not be the sole fault of boobs, but you could be doing a nudie run past the fan on your way to get changed – but then tits! And nipple bar. 

Running. Jumping, Wearing vests. Dancing “The Worm”. Shimmying. Eating crumby foods. There are things that the breastedly-gifted among us are just not as clever at. But there are things that we are GREAT at.  

We never lose the foods that we drop or dribble. They are generally tucked safely amongst the verandah. We can go one better than the “motorboat” – PADDLEBOAT, anyone? We can sun bake and keep our faces in the shade (until gravity). We have built-in distractions when we attempt physical activity – Passers by are distracted by the motion of the ocean of breast tissue and forget to see the face behind it. We keep bra makers employed, because we can’t risk “free balling”.

And you know what?

Whatever bloody size they are, they’re awesome.

You see, I once thought I was straight.

BUT THEN TITS…

 

What’s on your “But then tits” list? Have I missed any?   

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2 responses »

  1. Button down shirts.Running is kind of a pain because I have to put on two running bras…this gives me a really good reason to stay home instead. Teaching 7th and 8th grade boys and girls means that many cute shirts are off limits. Those boys and their hormones. Funny post, as usual! 🙂

    Like

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