It’s Friday, I’m curled up with the dogs on the couch. The heater is casting a glow on the room.
This week has been… hard.
It’s the first week in several years that I haven’t had Cubs. I’m missing the Flatmate, who is no longer the Flatmate because she moved interstate. Last scraps of patience and hope being dry humped by a little silky terrier. And feeling like the most ungrateful twat on earth because amongst all of this, I have my beloved, my friends, my family – and I’m still managing to feel miserable.
I can’t help but feel both angry and completely devastated about the way things have ended for me in Scouting. I’m still not sure how much I can say though. Officially, I can share with you that I am no longer a Cub leader. My Scout Group no longer exists. Our kids are trying to find another Group to join. I can’t even go with them as a parent helper because I’m not a parent. And just like that, something that has been a huge part of me for more than 5 years has been broken down and snuffed out. I can’t give details yet because leaders are under instructions to say “No comment”, and not to talk to media. But didn’t I just say I am no longer a leader? Hmm… stay tuned.
But it is a peculiar pain, when something just… ends. Gone. Finished. Over. No more. We’re talking years of training, time, ideas, planning, doing, being. Uncountable hours of doing my best, in keeping with the Law and Promise. Helping kids find their voice, their confidence, their smile. Watching them realise that they are good at things. That there is more to life than school. That as a Group, we’re a family. This means a hell of a lot for kids in disadvantaged socio-economic areas.
Fuck, it meant a hell of a lot to me, too.
My family is all in Sydney. I can’t have kids. Teaching created way too much anxiety and upset for me. Depression often got the better of me. But Scouting is where I had the opportunity to give back to the community. It enabled me to be a part of the lives of kids. I can honestly say I remember each and every single kid that has come through those doors to my Cub Pack. And I could tell you something amazing about each and every one of those kids. Some talent or skill or quote or idea or achievement. Because in Scouting, everyone matters.
Things have changed.
You’ll note I have not said anything against any person, or any element of Scouting. I’ve named no names. Shared no detail. All in keeping with “No comment”.
There are days like these.
When the rain and the heater collide. When there is gloom inside and outside and you can’t be sure if the gloom outside seeped out from yourself, or it your gloom stems from the gloom outside.
Maybe it’s best to just go with it.