Nappy pants


I’ve noticed a disturbing fashion trend. It’s perhaps marginally better than denim undies, and a step to the side from tights as pants. I was trying to find a picture to show you what I mean, so I punched the phrase “low crotch pantaloons” into Google. Close, but not quite what I was after.

Then I changed my search term. Typed in “low crotch pants” and this. THIS appeared:


If Bieber’s wearing them, they have to be wrong. Source:

I’ve seen these in person – in real life – but also on TV. And it seems that nappy pants are well and truly a fashion, given the price tag.

The remind me of a combination of things, and they aren’t all pleasing: nappies full of poo, the villain from Despicable Me, iHipsters, Humphrey B Bear… and that is just the beginning. Don’t these people worry about chafing? Surely all that material fails to offer protection. And what if they fall in a pool? They’re likely to DROWN due to the excess weight of several metres of superfluous material. Is this what is wrong with the world?

No one thinks things through.

But I do.

Here is my list of how drop crotch pants could contribute to society:

1. Fart catchers, protecting others from bottomly outbursts.

2. Parachutes, to slow down speeding drivers. The pants could be distributed outside courts to those charged with dangerous driving. It’s the drop crotch pants or prison, Charlie!

3. iTechnology holders. Imagine how many iPads and iPhones you could fit in those saggy pants? Perfect for hipster school, so that technology never interrupts the classroom.

4. Shopping bags. Never worry about forgetting those enviro-bags – just pop on the drop crotch and head to the supermarket. You could pop a loaf of bread and a 3L milk in without infringing on the fart catching capabilities.

5. They could be the new uniform of choice for crossing guards. Rather than the lollipop stop sign, They could simply unfold the crotch to reveal clear instructions for drivers.

6. And finally, drop crotch pants, when the wearer is sitting in an unladylike position, could easily become a portable hammock for cats, dogs, rabbits and small children.

I almost want to buy a pair.

But the chafing!!

Am I missing something? Do these look good? Are they comfortable?


4 responses »

  1. Perhaps they’re meant to provide onlookers with the idea that the wearer is extremely well endowed and that regular pants just. won’t. work. Thank god no one in the school where I teach is wearing these yet. I’m so happy that the saggy pants movement has passed and I don’t have to look at underwear all day long. 🙂 I enjoyed your analysis. Spot on.


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