It’s like sinking into a warm bath. The bubbles and temperature welcome you home, comfort you, hold you.
It’s like taking off your bra when you get home. Relief.
It’s like unzipping a too-tight pair of jeans, except the pair of jeans is your skin and you aren’t unzipping, you’re cutting.
It has been a long, long time since I have done it. But it doesn’t leave your thought space or your chemical make up. I ended up using my stubbornness to stop. I didn’t want to break my winning streak – the time since the last time. So far I’m at around three years, which is my best effort yet.
Confronting, sad, intriguing, devastating – but not actually the worst thing that we could be doing. There are things far worse than negative coping strategies. Because that is what self harm is. A coping strategy. A way to feel when you want to stop the numbness. I way to punish yourself for being the scum you’re convinced you are.
Why this post, and why today?
Yesterday was a bad day… but my winning streak continues.
If you are a self harmer. If your child is a self harmer. If someone you love is a self harmer.
Remember that there are people who have stopped. It’s possible. It’s not easy, and that urge doesn’t disappear – but it is possible.