The buzz


Fucking mozzies, Facebook. That is what is on my mind. Not actually having sex with them, but oh my GOD they are horrible. They come and bite, then suck your blood, then leave you with an itchy welt. It’s like being attacked by a vampire with a mouth full of itching powder.

Since I picked up Ross River Fever a few years ago, I seem to have become somewhat of a delicacy to the mosquito palate. The little bastards love hooking in for a decent meal or two whenever I venture outside. And the places they bite! Have they no shame? I’ve suffered the indignity of bites on my bum and my fanny and tonight, on my left breast. Do you have any idea how much people stare when you throw subtlety to the wind and scratch at your boob like a woman possessed?

The itch isn’t the half of it though. Being me, I like to develop welts. Big ones. Ones that grow a crunchy, clear shell that I scratch off every five minutes. I’m not sure what the shell is, but it tastes like defeat.

Almost every day, I drive past this roadside horror:


That’s a mosquito. A huge one. Because Hexam is just that kind of classy place. His name is Ossie the Mossie and he is a fearsome beast. He’s somewhat smaller than the real thing, particularly the ones that chase me down and attack. In fact, I think a few of the local mosquitoes took poor old Ossie hostage and beat him up behind the bowling club.

I have tried all sorts of things to deter mosquito attacks, and an equally bizarre collection of  cures for the itchy bites I amass. Everything from anaesthetic sprays to hemorrhoid cream to  mild electric shocks to cold packs to hot backs to antihistamines to letting my toenails grow out of control so that I can scratch the ones of my leg without attracting too much attention. Nothing seems to work for me.

Now, here’s the thing.

I’m a mosquito attractant. Something about me says bananas and dark clothes and tasty blood.

So I figure the ultimate solution is to hire myself out as a walking mosquito attractant. People pay good money to keep the mozzies away. So why not see if I can profit from this?

If you would like to hire me as your human mosquito bait, feel free to get in touch.

If you have solutions for itchy bites, including the one that is driving me crazy on my boob, let me know! Something tells me trying to gnaw at it like a dog isn’t the usual solution… But if it works, I’m willing to keep trying to bend my neck!


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