As much as it relies on me

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As much as it relies on me.

I think that’s the essential part of any decision, or any promise, or any commitment. It’s the unspoken part of the pinky swear. As much as it relies on me. It says that I’m going to do the best that I can do with all I am and all I have.

And so, I bring you: As much as it relies on me.

I’ve had a case of stink mood since late January. Of rotten, core of my being depression. There have been tears, tantrums, frustrations. I’ve said words I shouldn’t and thought thoughts that won’t be voiced. I’ve fought against it, and fought against my self, and fought against the people around me.

And then last night, I had an epiphany.

I realised that I’m making a mistake.

I have depression, but depression does not have me.

And so today, I have made a decision (as much as it relies on me). My depression will not have me. It will not have my words and my actions and my relationships and my memories. As much as it relies on me, and not chemical make up, I am going to take back what this depression has tried to have.

I’m really aware that this might sound like I think depression is a choice. It’s not true. Depression isn’t a choice. Who’d choose this? Who in their right mind would choose to feel like this?

I’m not at all saying you can choose to not be depressed. I’m not saying you can just get over it.

What I am saying is that I want to remove the power that this funk has had over me. Absolutely, I’m depressed at the moment. But just because my brain chemicals are a bit off at the moment does not mean that I am going to forget who I am.

As much as it relies on me, I am going to remember.

As much as it relies on me, I am going to remain committed to wellness, and the pursuit of getting myself back.

As much as it relies on me, I am going to rely on myself, and know that it is safe to do so.

As much as it relies on me.

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