My mobile phone rang about fifteen minutes ago, and I answered it. There was a good twenty seconds of silence, followed by a voice asking if he was speaking to the person responsible for our broadband and telephone.
Well. I’m procrastinating, no one is around and I’m a little bit bored. So, why not? I decided it was time to have some fun with the telemarketer (TM). Here is how it played out:
ME: Yes. Hello, sir.
TM: I would like to tell you all about VTelecom.
ME: I don’t know what you’re saying. What does the V stand for?
TM: Not B, V. V for Victor or Volvo.
ME: Are you selling me a Volvo?
TM: No, it’s VTelecom.
ME: Oh! VTelecum!
ME: And your name is Victor?
TM: I would like to know if you are happy with the current download speed you have. Because I am able to offer you a –
ME: I am, except for when it comes to downloading my llama pornography.
ME: My llama pornography. It takes so long to download. Can VTelecum speed it up for me?
<There is a very long pause here.>
ME: I just really like llamas, you know? Don’t you?
TM: Well ma’am, I feel it is illegal to download this particular thing, however when it comes to downloading music and movies then VTele-
ME: Why is it illegal to look at shaved llamas?
TM: I don’t know ma’am, it just is.
ME: But you said I could download music and movies. That is illegal.
TM: Only if you go to illegal sites, however our download speed –
ME: Why would I want to steal royalties from artists? That’s not a very good business ethic you have there at VTelecum. And you think it is wrong to download llama porn?
TM: It’s not wrong, ma’am, it just isn’t what I would like to do.
ME: Have you tried it?
TM: No, but our download speed means that –
ME: How do you know if you haven’t tried it?
TM: I just don’t think I would like to.
ME: You can’t stop my love for the llama, you know.
TM: We can also offer you an excellent deal with your home line.
ME: Will you put numbers into the phone for us?
TM: Pardon ma’am?
ME: So I have people to ring. Can you put your number into the phone for me?
TM: I’m not too sure about this ma’am however –
ME: You seem to speak a lot of things that you aren’t sure about. Maybe you need to relax. You could try looking at some llamas.
TM: Ma’am I need to just verify that I am speaking to the person in charge of the telephone and broadband accounts. Is that you?
ME: Is what me?
TM: Are you in charge of the decisions regarding your telecommunications?
ME: Do I sound like I should be left in charge of these decisions?
TM: Ma’am can you confirm for me that you make the decisions regarding your telecommunications?
ME: Well of course not. That stuff bores me to tears.
TM: Thank you for your time, ma’am.
Do you get a lot of telemarketer calls? Do they shit you? Are you, like me, on the “Do not call” register?