The day I beat the telemarketer


My mobile phone rang about fifteen minutes ago, and I answered it. There was a good twenty seconds of silence, followed by a voice asking if he was speaking to the person responsible for our broadband and telephone.

Well. I’m procrastinating, no one is around and I’m a little bit bored. So, why not? I decided it was time to have some fun with the telemarketer (TM). Here is how it played out:

ME: Yes. Hello, sir.

TM: I would like to tell you all about VTelecom.

ME: Pardon?

TM: VTelecom.

ME: I don’t know what you’re saying. What does the V stand for?

TM: Not B, V. V for Victor or Volvo.

ME: Are you selling me a Volvo?

TM: No, it’s VTelecom.

ME: Oh! VTelecum!

TM: Pardon?

ME: And your name is Victor?

TM: I would like to know if you are happy with the current download speed you have. Because I am able to offer you a –

ME: I am, except for when it comes to downloading my llama pornography.,d.dGI&psig=AFQjCNGG5R2ko4FjQwqyuSsv1F_KiRH0AQ&ust=1390705309663928TM: Downloading what?

ME: My llama pornography. It takes so long to download. Can VTelecum speed it up for me?

<There is a very long pause here.>

ME: I just really like llamas, you know? Don’t you?

<Further silence.>

TM: Well ma’am, I feel it is illegal to download this particular thing, however when it comes to downloading music and movies then VTele-

ME: Why is it illegal to look at shaved llamas?

TM: I don’t know ma’am, it just is.

ME: But you said I could download music and movies. That is illegal.

TM: Only if you go to illegal sites, however our download speed –

ME: Why would I want to steal royalties from artists? That’s not a very good business ethic you have there at VTelecum. And you think it is wrong to download llama porn?

TM: It’s not wrong, ma’am, it just isn’t what I would like to do.

ME: Have you tried it?

TM: No, but our download speed means that –

ME: How do you know if you haven’t tried it?

TM: I just don’t think I would like to.

ME: You can’t stop my love for the llama, you know.

TM: We can also offer you an excellent deal with your home line.

ME: Will you put numbers into the phone for us?

TM: Pardon ma’am?

ME: So I have people to ring. Can you put your number into the phone for me?

TM: I’m not too sure about this ma’am however –

ME: You seem to speak a lot of things that you aren’t sure about. Maybe you need to relax. You could try looking at some llamas.

TM: Ma’am I need to just verify that I am speaking to the person in charge of the telephone and broadband accounts. Is that you?

ME: Is what me?

TM: Are you in charge of the decisions regarding your telecommunications?

ME: Do I sound like I should be left in charge of these decisions?

TM: Ma’am can you confirm for me that you make the decisions regarding your telecommunications?

ME: No.

TM: No?

ME: Well of course not. That stuff bores me to tears.

TM: Thank you for your time, ma’am.


Do you get a lot of telemarketer calls? Do they shit you? Are you, like me, on the “Do not call” register?


10 responses »

  1. You would probably really enjoy my conversations with Jusitn the guy who was going to save my computer viruses. He went from wanting to help me fight ‘viruses’ to wanting me to help him find a girl ;p – these are all real recordings btw, between myself and “Justin”.


  2. I love the 2nd Llama picture, expecially because it is a picture that I have took myself it is interesting where pictures end up that you post on the Internet.


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